


The Hate in Our Stars

by stellarbird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-05
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-04 20:49:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarbird/pseuds/stellarbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story of boy meets troll. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.</p><p>This is a story about a black romance that isn't sexy at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hate in Our Stars

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
CG: THERE’S A LOT TO HATE ABOUT HIM, OKAY?  
CG: LIKE THAT FUCKING SALAMANDER THAT FOLLOWS HIM AROUND EVERYWHERE.  
CG: IT’S PRETTY REVOLTING, THE WAY HE TREATS IT.  
CG: HE ACTS LIKE HE’S ITS LUSUS OR SOMETHING.  
CG: YESTERDAY HE AND KANAYA WERE MEASURING ITS SLIME COVERED FOODHINGE FOR SOME SORT OF “PRINCESS HELMET”.  
CG: IT WAS THE MOST THINKPAN CHURNINGLY DISGUSTING THING I HAVE HAD THE PAINFUL MISFORTUNE TO BE UNABLE TO AVOID SEEING.  
CG: THE TWO OF THEM WERE COMPLETELY SMEARED WITH SPITBUBBLE SALAMANDERSAUCE.  
CG: AND THAT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE TIME WHEN ONE OF THOSE NAKKING TOOTHLIZARDS BIT HER.  
CG: YOU COULDN’T EVEN SEE THE TOOTH MARKS, BUT FROM THE WAY HE WAS ACTING YOU’D THINK HE’D RIPPED OFF HER RUMP SWEEPER AND PARADED IT AROUND AS A BLOODY TROPHY.  
CG: EVERYTHING WITH THAT SLIMEBEAST ALWAYS HAS TO BE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE AS FAR AS HE’S CONCERNED.  
CG: I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT THEM TOGETHER WITHOUT FEELING THE BILE STARTING TO RISE IN MY PROTEIN CHUTE.  
CG: IT’S DISGUSTING.  
CG: HE IS A DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, HATEFUL BEING.  
CG: IT’S JUST THAT NONE OF YOU SEEM TO BE ENLIGHTENED ENOUGH TO SEE JUST HOW IDIOTIC HE ACTUALLY IS.  
CG: IT’S LIKE HE TAKES SOME SORT OF PERVERSE JOY IN BEING SO FAR DOWN THE DUMBASS SCALE THAT IT BENDS REALITY INTO SOME IDIOT VORTEX WHERE BUCK-TOOTHED GRINNING ASSHOLE BILGEBRAINS ARE PERCEIVED AS NORMAL.  
CG: FUCK, I’M GETTING NAUSEOUS JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM.  
GG: ...karkat......  
CG: WHAT.  
GG: .... why are you telling me about this???  
GG: i mean i guess it is sort of cute, in a weird alien way,  
GG: but it is also sort of weird! i mean, john is my paradox slime brother!  
GG: and you are always talking about it :(  
GG: besides  
GG: im sort of busy right now talking to jane  
GG: >:( she is being kind of ridiculous about this entire thing!!! you know what im talking about  
GG: so while your weird hate crush on john is really important to you my priorities are not really there at the moment........  
CG: I CAN TAKE A HINT, HARLEY.  
CG: CLEARLY, MY CONVERSATION IS UNAPPRECIATED.   
\--carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]\-- 

\-->Karkat: Examine life. Examine choices.

Your life right now is ALL RIGHT, YOU GUESS. Because you are Karkat Vantas and are thus required to have a negative viewpoint on everything, this means that your life is PRETTY GREAT. MOSTLY. While still being saddled with a HOMICIDAL MOIRAIL, you have as of yet been unable to build a relationship with anyone in a concupiscent capacity, and by anyone, you mean, John Egbert. This, you think, is further evidence that he is a BLIND BEAUTIFUL HIDEOUS BUCKTOOTHED FOOL. Your hate is written in the stars; it is your destiny, and his. It’s just his fault that he can’t see it.

Even Jade agrees with you that your relationship is one for the ages. When you and John met for the first time in real life, your eyes were red from crying as you stumbled confusedly across the meteor like some kind of half-dazed woolbeast. In sharp counterpoint, John flew happily off of the ship with his disgustingly happy bucktoothed grin, all bright blue and clean and fresh and smug. He went straight to you (okay, after Dave and Rose, but it’s basically the same thing, right?) and offered you his fist in what you had learned from Dave was called a “fistwaggle doggbromotorcopter.” You hit his hand out of the way and glared at him before giving him a PROPER troll side hug, just like crabdad taught you. He awkwardly patted you on the back a few times and said, “Wow, I had no idea your horns were this nubby! Dude, check this out, Dave, I can fit my entire hand around one!” Whereupon you said, “FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT,” glared at him, and started to cry. Again.

Everyone for some reason seemed to find this utterly hilarious. Jade whispered, loudly, “this is just like one of my Japanese animes!” You are still not sure what a Japanese anime is, but Rose has assured you that an anime is one of the highest forms of human culture. 

You’d known for a while that Egbert is well, pretty dumb, but you soon learned that you hadn’t even come close to grasping the FULL EXTENT of his asinine tomfoolery. Most obvious was that slavish devotion to the yellow slimebeast of his. He’d gotten Kanaya to make him a sort of grubsling to wear around his chest so that he looked like some mockery of a long-eared Australternian pouchbeast, and carried her around like that despite Dave’s snickers and your (in your opinion, at least) rather well-thought out invectures. “This is totally cool, Dave,” he had said. “Baby bjorns are the height of fashion, Rose says so. Also, Jennifer Garner wore one, and she is married to BEN AFFLECK. You are just jealous that none of your lame crocodiles will let you give them a proper and loving home! I am going to give Casey the great childhood she deserves.” 

After about half a sweep, Egbert declared that the slimebeast had “outgrown” the sling (as far as you could tell she looked exactly the same as she ever had, i.e. disgusting and fucking useless) and, with the assistance of Lalonde and Kanaya, commissioned a new set of clothes for her. You could practically feel yourself swooning with hatred and contempt every single time you saw him walking around the meteor with his bubbling yellow charge, both of them in matching blue hoods. It was as though he was trying to shove in your face that haha, he was a god tier and you weren’t, but that’s okay, not all of us can be that cool. Fuck you too, John Egbert!

You are so black for this boy that it’s kind of revolting.

> Karkat: Stop reminiscing and pay attention to your computer, you chump.

You glare angrily at the world around you, as if to indicate that you do not appreciate the narrator insulting you. But glaring is your default state, so that accomplishes exactly jack shit.

Your COMPUTER is currently flashing to let you know that one of your chums is attempting to troll you.

Oh. It’s him.

> Karkat: Attend to dubiously murderous moirail.

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--  
TC: hello.  
TC: MY DARLIN MOIRAIL.  
TC: how you doin?   
CG: FUCK, I TOLD STRIDER IT WAS A GRUBBURSTINGLY SHITTY IDEA TO SHOW YOU ALL THOSE EARTH MOVIES.  
CG: I AM “DOIN” FINE.  
CG: I AM COMPLETELY AND PERFECTLY FINE.  
CG: THERE IS NO REASON TO ASSUME AT ALL THAT I AM NOT FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.  
CG: I AM TOTALLY FINE AND IN NO NEED OF COMFORT OR PACIFICATION WHATSOEVER.   
TC: :o?  
TC: i’m getting the message.  
TC: THAT YOU’RE NOT TOO MOTHERFUCKIN SATISFIED.  
TC: with this whole moiraillegience jam.  
TC: AM I RIGHT, BRO?    
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: NO, I’M FINE.  
CG: I MEAN, WE HAVE OUR ROCKY SPOTS, BUT I’M PRETTY HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP, FOR THE MOST PART.   
TC: you don’t seem too motherfuckin happy.  
TC: IF YOU ALL UP AND KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
TC: you know?.  
TC: :O)   
CG: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.  
CG: I’M JUST ...   
TC: i think i can guess what’s wrong.  
TC: MY BRO’S WASTING AWAY AFTER SOME LITTLE MONKEY ALIEN.  
TC: i’m here for you, my brother.  
TC: YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH HIM?  
TC: heart.  
TC: TO MOTHERFUCKIN HEART.   
CG: FUCK.  
CG: NO.  
CG: I CAN DEAL WITH IT, GAMZEE.  
CG: I NEED TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. 

You feel like the tragic hero in one of your troll romance films. This is just like the time that Troll Meryl Streep had to try and deal with the crushing emotional burden of being embarrassingly red for Troll Pierce Brosnan, that smug swirly-horned indigo-blooded asshole. Of course, Troll Meryl Streep had the last laugh, slaughtering half the guests at her descendant’s matespritshipfest and leaving Troll Pierce Brosnan with a skull full of headache, a jaw full of seabilge, and a blood-pumping organ full of caliginitude. Finally, he and Troll Meryl Streep embraced in a classic moment of red/black vacillation. Fuck, you still tear up at that part, every time you even think about it. 

Every time. 

> Karkat: Wipe tears from face. 

You are not blubbering (people who save universes do not blubber, you are a HERO)but okay, you are crying a little. You decide to CAPTCHALOGUE the box of tissues for further use, something which sends your SICKLE INSPECTOR pin rocketing out and straight under your desk, which is FUCKING TYPICAL. STACKQUEUE is the SECOND MOST USELESS FETCH MODUS you have ever known, after QUEUESTACK, and you are always asking yourself why the hell you are still using that thing. (The answer has nothing to do with the fact that a certain hero of breath still continues to use the QUEUESTACK modus, like the chump he is. Nothing at all.)

You decide to leave this blubbering troll alone with his romantically revealing fetch modii, and go be someone rather less embarrassing. 

> Be John.

You are now JOHN EGBERT.

You are currently pretty psyched about this AWESOME NEW PRANK you are going to play on your buddy Karkat. Your pranksters gambit is going to go through the roof! He is not going to know what “hit” him, hehehe. Karkat will really furious, and it will be adorable.

You are pretty thankful to Rose for helping you alchemize these DUBIOUSLY DRIPPING TENTACLES, which are currently hanging ominously over Karkat’s door. She seemed pretty enthusiastic about it, too. You are not really sure why.

You can hear him sniffing inside. Karkat is always crying for some reason or another. You make fun of him for it a lot, but you are also his FAITHFUL DEFENDER when Dave tries to do the same thing. Of course, Karkat is never thankful, but that is because he is Karkat! He is a grumpy little fussbear from having to deal with being short and nubby-horned, and from experiencing some sort of WEIRD ALIEN RACISM. Man, Karkat is a total inspiration to you, and a testament to the fact that even angry little mutants can be super good friends! When you told Karkat this, though, he got really angry. Then he cried.

To be honest, you were not surprised.

You wait impatiently outside the door, waiting for him to exit his TISSUE-FILLED DOMICILE. Ever since Kanaya discovered Kleenex, she has been blushingly making piles of the pastel-boxed tissues around the meteor and ESPECIALLY in Karkat’s room. You think this has to do with some sort of WEIRD ALIEN NON-ROMANTIC ROMANCE THING, but you are not really sure. Frankly, all this weird quadrant stuff makes your head hurt!

But wait, it sounds like Karkat is coming out. You flatten yourself against the wall and try to stay totally silent. Beside you, Casey lets out a quiet glub. Putting a finger to her slime-covered mouth, you wiggle your eyebrows at her – a piece of ancient Egbert Family Code that means, silence! A prank is in progress. The door squeaks open; even from the hallway, you can hear the quiet sounds of Karkat mumbling annoyedly to himself. The door creaks open - just a little farther – and then –

With a beautiful plop, the tentacles fall down on top of Karkat, who promptly proceeds to FLIP THE FUCK OUT. You would think that the little guy had never seen tentacles before. To put a crown, haha, on the entire situation, the bucket that had previously held the tentacles has fallen squarely on Karkat’s head, where it now appears to be stuck. His arms flap helplessly around his body, trying to fling away the tentacles that have already started to wrap around him. Slime is oozing out of the bucket, onto his shirt. He looks super gross.

You laugh loudly. “I got you, Karkat! Oh man, that was so good. I totally got you, you had no idea that was coming!”

Karkat yells back at you, his voice oddly magnified by the bucket. “FUCK YOU, EGBERT, GET THIS VILE THING OFF MY HEAD. NO? OKAY THEN, KEEP LAUGHING. THIS IS THE TRUE PINNACLE OF COMEDY. YOU ARE A COMEDIC GENIUS, JOHN EGBERT. BUCKETS, HA HA HA. LET’S MAKE KARKAT UNCOMFORTABLE! HM, WHY DON’T WE DUMP HORRORTERROR TENTACLES ON HIS HEAD? NO, THAT’S NOT TERRIBLE ENOUGH, LET’S DROP A BUCKET ON IT, TOO! MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE’S CULTURAL AND SEXUAL PRACTICES IS THE BEST! YOU ARE THE FUCKING DICK IN THE METAPHORICAL PUNCH BOWL, JOHN EGBERT, AND I AM DISGUSTED TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU.”

He has managed to slip off the bucket, and is now banging it angrily against the wall while still yelling at you. You are not sure what a sopor-sucking-whalebeast is, but you are pretty sure that whatever it is, it isn’t nice. The bucket must have scraped him a little as it fell, because there is a small scratch on his face. It is bleeding a little, bright scarlet against the gray, and you lean forward and say – your face contrite, your voice worried – 

“Oh man Karkat, I’m really sorry! You’re bleeding and it’s super red, I didn’t mean for you to get hurt! Here, let me clean some of the blood off for you.”

You pull your hand out of your pocket and reach for his face. To your surprise, he doesn’t stop you. Your hand moves in gently, approaching the cut on his forehead – then quickly swerves south to his mouth, and stuffs it with the previously hidden contents of your palm.

Karkat's eyes open wide, and you can almost see him _swelling_ with rage. He is gagging, tiny white bubbles escaping out of his mouth, because you have put some extra-frothy pieces of soap in there. It won’t hurt him – you’ve already tried the same thing on Dave a couple times, and on Terezi (although Terezi seemed to like it) – but it does make him really, really angry.

“You really shouldn’t curse so much, Karkat,” you say, patting him on the head. “Keep your mouth clean, dude!”

He is so furious. He is literally frothing at the mouth; the foam is running down his chin, and it’s gross. It’s really, really gross, and it’s also sort of great. He manages to spit out enough bubbles to say, “JOHN EGBERT, I HATE YOU, NOW AND FOREVER."

He looks like he thinks it is sort of romantic.

You laugh and say, “I hate you too, Karkat! Just kidding, I just think you are sort of dumb.”

Picking Casey up in your arms, you walk away. Karkat is totally and completely speechless, and you are the master prankster. It’s you.

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to my marvelous beta megaparsecs! (ao3 user anxiousAnarchist)


End file.
